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Wherever I May Roam
1999 - Watercolors and Correction Fluid on Paper

July 5, 2004

Roam follows the collection of Metallica-inspired paintings, including Load, The Unforgiven, and Carpe Diem Baby. I managed to achieve a cosmic glow here, almost what you imagine Thomas Kinkade could be if he wasn't such a mass-marketed, shopping-mall hack. Not that there's anything wrong with making thousands of over-priced poster prints in factories and selling them to gullible yuppies who foolishly believe the "signature" on the back is genuine. Suckers.

Oops. Did I just say that? I didn't mean to knock all those people who wasted their hard-earned dollars on a bunch of crappy Kincaid paintings, believing that some almost spiritual communion can be achieved by drowning yourself in material goods. Buy some junk, give me your wallet, and get into Heaven. I wouldn't make fun of the lemmings; they're doing what lemmings do, which is to keep in line and stay quiet.

I really meant to go after jerks like Kincaid, who personally profit from fusing religion and commercialism. And guess who gets all the money? Not the ones who are telling you to part with your crumbs. Just smack someone on the head, knock them unconscious, get it all on camera, and then tell everyone who's watching, "How much do you love God? Throw your wallets up on stage."

Here, buy my books. Buy all my paintings. Visit the coffee shop, the bookstore and the McDonald's in the shopping mall we converted into a church. Pick up copies of our latest direct-to-video movie starring that guy from "TGIF." Not Urkel. The other one. Not the dinosaur. You're not even trying, are you?

You didn't vote for the Democrats in the last election, did you?

Did I mention that God personally autographed my paintings? Buy my calendar! Visit my theme park! Support my upper-class tax cuts! Buy authentic iron nails from the set of "The Passion." They come with a free bucket of blood that you can dump on your friends.

And, oh, by the way, the Jews are evil. And the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And the Devil is gay. And 9/11 happened because we allowed women to get jobs. And your last check to me bounced.

Did I mention I have some wonderful paintings for sale?